What is High Conflict Divorce?

Red Flags for a High Conflict Divorce

• Difficulties with communications resulting in frequent arguments.

• Major disagreements on property division and child custody and seemingly no ability to reach a compromise.

• Marriage longer than 10 years.

• Minor children

• Unfaithfulness or neglect during the marriage.

Behaviors observed in High Conflict Divorce

If your former partner is prolonging the legal process and using deliberate tactics to provoke, control, and undermine you, this is a high conflict divorce. The conflict can continue well after the divorce is finalized with post-separation abuse.

Who is a High Conflict Individual?

We have a number of terms coined to describe this type of person (which will be described below):

• High Conflict Individual

• Narcissist

• Cluster B Personality Disorder

• Dark Triad

Common behaviors and tactics of high conflict individuals

• Constant disputes: Constant arguments with no willingness to work toward resolution.

• Refusal to compromise: An inability to compromise on even the most reasonable issues is a key sign. The high-conflict person sees every point of negotiation as a battle to win.

• Extreme blame: One spouse blames the other for everything wrong in the relationship and refuses to take any personal responsibility. They often play the victim to manipulate others and refuse to see their role in the conflict.

• Emotional volatility: High-conflict individuals display unmanaged emotions, such as rapid shifts between friendliness and rage, often over minor issues.

• Extreme and threatening behavior: This can include threats, harassment, intimidation, and destroying marital property.

• Manipulation and control: One spouse may use manipulation to control the other, such as using "gaslighting" to deny prior agreements or twisting conversations to fit their narrative. 

Escalation and the legal system in high conflict divorce

In a high-conflict divorce, the legal system can become an extension of the fight. 

• Protracted litigation: Legal battles are prolonged and may go on for years. Every issue – including custody, property, and finances – is fiercely contested, forcing the case to trial instead of a settlement.

• False allegations: To gain an advantage, the high conflict individual may make unfounded accusations of abuse, neglect, or financial misconduct leading to costly investigations and legal battles.

• Using children as pawns: The high conflict individual may put children in the middle, deride the other parent, or make false allegations about "parental alienation".

The High-Conflict Personality Pattern

Bill Eddy, LCSW, ESQ. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and is viewed globally as the leading expert on managing disputes involving people with high-conflict personalities. He is also co-host of the popular podcast, It’s All Your Fault and writes a popular blog on Psychology Today.

Here's what Eddy writes:

High conflict people (HCPs) have a pattern of high-conflict behavior that increases conflict rather than reducing or resolving it. This pattern is repeated in many different situations with many different people, but it is particularly pronounced in a divorce.

With HCPs, the pattern of behavior includes:

• blaming others

• all-or-nothing thinking

• unmanaged emotions

• extreme behaviors

You can read more details here: Who are High Conflict People?

High-Conflict Personality is NOT a Diagnosis

High-conflict personality is just a description of a pattern of repeated behavior in a conflict. It's not a medical diagnosis. The characteristics of a high-conflict personality are obvious and observable by others. You cannot fix the high-conflict person, but you may have some success managing the conflicts if you adapt your own behavior toward them.

• Don’t tell them that you think they have a high-conflict personality or personality disorder.

• Don't try to give them insight into their own behavior. That will just blow up and trigger defensiveness. 

• Don't focus on the past. You will be more effective focusing on the future and looking at what you and/or the other person can do now.

• Steer clear of emotional confrontations (anger, tears, or saying you are frustrated). When engaged with their emotions, the HCP tends to get overwhelmed and is more likely to attack, so it’s better to stay matter-of-fact and focused on things outside of your relationship. 

Key Methods for Managing Relationship

Eddy recommends learning about the predictable behavior patterns of HCPs and ways to respond constructively. If you are dealing with an HCP, use this information to focus on ways of changing your own behavior, not theirs. Manage your relationship primarily by managing your own anxiety and your own responses.

1. Connect with the person using empathy, attention, and/or respect (unless it’s not safe and you just need to stay away from the person).

2. Analyze your realistic options in dealing with the person (write a list of options, then decide which one makes the most realistic sense in dealing with him or her).

3. Respond to hostility or misinformation: Use responses that are Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm (B.I.F.F.). Avoid advice, admonishments and apologies – they will use these against you later.

4. Set limits on dangerous or bothersome behavior, by deciding when, where and how you meet to discuss issues. Getting assistance from authorities (such as police), advocates (such as lawyers), and supportive persons (family and friends) to help you decide how to set limits. Avoid harsh statements as an attempt to set limits, as they just increase the HCP’s bad behavior.

For more information, visit High Conflict Institute.

Personality Disorders

High Conflict Persons often seem to have personality disorders or some traits of these disorders. Mental health professionals have identified ten personality disorders. Five of these have a tendency to become HCPs: those with narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, paranoid, and histrionic personality disorders or traits. It isn't important that your former partner have a diagnosis. An evaluator is unlikely to diagnose, and a diagnosis is of little value in court. What IS important is that you understand the mindset of your former partner so that you can learn to deal with those extremely frustrating patterns of behavior.

Dark Triad

The "dark triad" is a psychological concept describing three negative personality traits: narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism. Individuals with these traits often exhibit manipulative, self-serving, and callous behavior, including a lack of empathy and a tendency to exploit others for personal gain. 

• Narcissism: Characterized by grandiosity, arrogance, entitlement, and a need for admiration. Beneath the facade of superiority, there is often a fragile sense of self-esteem. 

• Psychopathy: Marked by impulsivity, thrill-seeking, a lack of empathy, and a general disregard for the feelings and suffering of others. 

• Machiavellianism: Defined by a manipulative and deceitful nature, a cynical worldview, and a willingness to lie and use others to achieve personal goals. 

While distinct, these three traits can overlap in a single individual. The dark triad is not a clinical diagnosis but a set of traits that are associated with harmful behaviors. 

Jonason and Webster’s Dirty Dozen scale can give you a quick way to spot a Dark Triad individual. Rate each item on a 7-point scale as you think it applies to this person. Of course, you can also rate yourself on these qualities to see how you measure up:

1. I tend to manipulate others to get my way.

2. I tend to lack remorse.

3. I tend to want others to admire me.

4. I tend to be unconcerned with the morality of my actions.

5. I have used deceit or lied to get my way.

6. I tend to be callous or insensitive.

7. I have used flattery to get my way.

8. I tend to seek prestige or status.

9. I tend to be cynical.

10. I tend to exploit others toward my own end.

11. I tend to expect special favors from others.

12. I want others to pay attention to me.

The total score can range from 12 to 84, but you can also break down the scales into the three traits as follows: Machiavellianism= 1, 5, 7, 10; Psychopathy= 2, 4, 6, 9; Narcissism= 3, 8, 11, 12.

Anyone scoring upwards of 45 would be considered very high on the Dark Triad scale. It's not a diagnosis; it's a simple way to identify a high conflict individual.

Read more about Dark Triad here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201301/shedding-light-psychology-s-dark-triad