What is High Conflict Divorce?

If your former partner is prolonging the legal process of divorce and using deliberate tactics to provoke, control, and undermine you, this is a high conflict divorce. The conflict can continue after the divorce is finalized with post-separation abuse.

Common behaviors and tactics

• Constant disputes: Constant arguments with no willingness to work toward resolution.

• Refusal to compromise: An inability to compromise on even the most reasonable issues is a key sign. The high-conflict person sees every point of negotiation as a battle to win.

• Extreme blame: One spouse blames the other for everything wrong in the relationship and refuses to take any personal responsibility. They often play the victim to manipulate others and refuse to see their role in the conflict.

• Emotional volatility: High-conflict individuals display unmanaged emotions, such as rapid shifts between friendliness and rage, often over minor issues.

• Extreme and threatening behavior: This can include threats, harassment, intimidation, and destroying marital property.

• Manipulation and control: One spouse may use manipulation to control the other, such as using "gaslighting" to deny prior agreements or twisting conversations to fit their narrative. 

Escalation and the legal system

In a high-conflict divorce, the legal system can become an extension of the fight. 

• Protracted litigation: Legal battles are prolonged and often go on for years. Every issue, including custody, property, and finances, is fiercely contested, which often forces the case to trial instead of a settlement.

• False allegations: To gain an advantage, one spouse may make unfounded accusations of abuse, neglect, or financial misconduct. This leads to costly investigations and legal battles.

• Using children as pawns: One parent may put children in the middle, deride the other parent, or make false allegations about "parental alienation".

The High-Conflict Personality Pattern

as described by Bill Eddy, author of High Conflict Personalities: Understanding and Resolving Their Costly Disputes:

1. Rigid and Uncompromising, Repeating Failed Strategies

2. Difficulty Accepting and Healing Loss

3. Negative Emotions Dominate their Thinking

4. Inability to Reflect on their Own Behavior

5. Difficulty Empathizing With Others

6. Preoccupied with Blaming Others

7. Avoids Any Responsibility For the Problem or the Solution

High conflict people (HCPs) have a pattern of high-conflict behavior that increases conflict rather than reducing or resolving it. This pattern usually happens over and over again in many different situations with many different people, but it is particularly pronounced in a divorce.

With HCPs, the pattern of behavior includes a lot of:

• blaming others

• all-or-nothing thinking

• unmanaged emotions

• extreme behaviors

Blaming Others

HCPs stand out, because of the intensity of their blame for others – especially for those close to them or in authority positions over them. For them, it is highly personal and feels like they might not survive if things don’t go their way. So, they focus on attacking and blaming someone else and find fault with everything that person does. In contrast to their blame of others, they can see no fault in themselves and see themselves as free of all responsibility for the problem. 

If you have been someone’s target of blame, you already know what I’m talking about.

They also blame strangers, because it’s easy. On the internet, they’re anonymous and make extreme statements.

All-or-Nothing Thinking

HCPs tend to see conflicts in terms of one simple solution rather than taking time to analyze the situation, hear different points of view, and consider several possible solutions. Compromise and flexibility seem impossible to them, as though they could not survive if things did not turn out absolutely their way. They often predict extreme outcomes if others do not handle things the way that they want. If friends disagree on a minor issue, they may end their friendships on the spot – an all-or-nothing solution.

Unmanaged Emotions

HCPs tend to become very emotional about their points of view and may catch others by surprise with their intense fear, anger, yelling, or disrespect. Their emotions are often out of proportion to the issue being discussed. This often shocks everyone else. They may seem unable to control their own emotions and may regret them afterwards – or defend them as totally appropriate, and insist that you should too.

On the other hand, there are some HCPs who don’t lose control of their emotions, but use emotional manipulation to hurt others. They trigger upset feelings in ways that are not obvious (sometimes while they seem very calm). But these emotional manipulations push people away and don’t get them what they want in the long run. They may seem clueless about their devastating and exhausting emotional impact on others.

Extreme Behaviors

HCPs frequently engage in extreme behavior, whether it’s in writing or in person. This may include spreading rumors or outright lies, shoving or hitting, trying to have obsessive contact and tracking your every move – or refusing to have any contact at all, even though you may be depending on them to respond. Many of their extreme behaviors are related to losing control over their emotions, such as suddenly throwing things or making very mean statements to those they care about the most. Other behaviors are related to an intense drive to control or dominate those closest to them, such as hiding your personal items, keeping you from leaving a conversation, threatening extreme action if you don’t agree, or physically abusing you.

Is High-Conflict Personality a Diagnosis?

No. Medical and mental health professionals diagnose disorders so that they can treat them in their patients. However, high-conflict personality is not a diagnosis. High-conflict personality is just a description of conflict behavior—a pattern of repeated behavior in a conflict. It’s not listed in the mental health book of disorders and it doesn’t have to be interpreted by a mental health professional. Anyone can see the possible characteristics of a high-conflict personality. If you do, remember that you are not treating them. Just adapt your own behavior toward them and you will usually have more success.

For example, avoid trying to give them insight into their own behavior. That will just blow up and trigger defensiveness. Avoid focusing too much on the past. You will be more effective focusing on the future and looking at what you and/or the other person can do now.

Try to steer clear of emotional confrontations with HCPs (such as anger, tears, or saying they are frustrating). When engaged with their emotions, they tend to get overwhelmed and are more likely to attack others, so it’s better to stay matter-of-fact and focused on things outside of your relationship. And don’t tell them that you think they have a high-conflict personality or personality disorder.

A Predictable Pattern

Various studies suggest that up to 15% of our society (and growing) has a personality disorder. But not all people with personality disorders are high-conflict people (they aren’t preoccupied with blaming others). And not all high-conflict people have personality disorders (they may just have some traits). Though it’s a growing problem, it’s a predictable problem—and can be handled in most cases, if you understand it. Once you know some aspects of their pattern of behavior, you may be able to anticipate other problems that will arise and avoid them or prepare to respond to them.

Perhaps you know someone with this pattern. Someone who insists that you, or someone you know, is entirely to blame for a large or small (or non-existent) problem. If so, he or she may be an HCP. However: Do not openly label people and don’t use this information as a weapon. It will make your life much more difficult if you do.

HCPs are in every occupation, every culture, and every country. This has nothing to do with intelligence. Some HCPs are very smart, while others are not—like the whole population. They tend to have more substance abuse, more depression, more anxiety, and other problems. This is often because their ways of interacting don’t work, which frustrates them as well as everyone around them. Yet they aren’t able to reflect on themselves and you can’t make them.

I recommend having a “Private Working Theory” that someone may be an HCP. You don’t tell the person and you don’t assume you are right. You simply focus on key methods to help in managing your relationship, such as paying more attention to the following (as explained in depth in my books It’s All Your Fault!and 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life):

1. Connecting with the person with empathy, attention and/or respect (unless it’s not safe and you just need to stay away from the person).

2. Analyzing your realistic options in dealing with the person (write a list of options, then decide which one makes the most realistic sense in dealing with him or her; sometimes it’s best to slowly phase the person out of your life).

3. Responding to hostility or misinformation: Use responses that are Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm (B.I.F.F.). Avoid advice, admonishments and apologies – they will use these against you later.
   
   

4. Setting Limits on dangerous or bothersome behavior, by deciding when, where and how you meet to discuss issues. Getting assistance from authorities (such as police), advocates (such as lawyers), and supportive persons (family and friends) to help you decide how to set limits. Avoid harsh statements as an attempt to set limits, as they just increase the HCP’s bad behavior.

It’s better to learn about the predictable behavior patterns of HCPs and ways to respond constructively. If you think someone is an HCP, use this information to focus on ways of changing your own behavior, not theirs. Manage your relationship primarily by managing your own anxiety and your own responses.

All of our resources at the High Conflict Institute focus on high conflict disputes.

BILL EDDY, LCSW, ESQ. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and is viewed globally as the leading expert on managing disputes involving people with high-conflict personalities. He has written more than twenty books on the topic, developed methods for managing high-conflict disputes, and has taught professionals in the U.S. and more than ten countries. He is also co-host of the popular podcast, It’s All Your Fault and writes a popular blog on Psychology Today.

Personality Disorders

High Conflict Persons often seem to have personality disorders or some traits of these disorders. Mental health professionals have identified ten personality disorders. Five of these have a tendency to become HCPs: those with narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, paranoid, and histrionic personality disorders or traits. It isn't important that your former partner have a diagnosis. An evaluator is unlikely to diagnose, and a diagnosis is of little value in court. What IS important is that you understand the mindset of your former partner so that you can learn to deal with those extremely frustrating patterns of behavior.

Dark Triad

The "dark triad" is a psychological concept describing three negative personality traits: narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism. Individuals with these traits often exhibit manipulative, self-serving, and callous behavior, including a lack of empathy and a tendency to exploit others for personal gain. 

• Narcissism: Characterized by grandiosity, arrogance, entitlement, and a need for admiration. Beneath the facade of superiority, there is often a fragile sense of self-esteem. 

• Psychopathy: Marked by impulsivity, thrill-seeking, a lack of empathy, and a general disregard for the feelings and suffering of others. 

• Machiavellianism: Defined by a manipulative and deceitful nature, a cynical worldview, and a willingness to lie and use others to achieve personal goals. 

While distinct, these three traits can overlap in a single individual. The dark triad is not a clinical diagnosis but a set of traits that are associated with harmful behaviors. 

Jonason and Webster’s Dirty Dozen scale can give you a quick way to spot a Dark Triad individual. Rate each item on a 7-point scale as you think it applies to this person. Of course, you can also rate yourself on these qualities to see how you measure up:

1. I tend to manipulate others to get my way.

2. I tend to lack remorse.

3. I tend to want others to admire me.

4. I tend to be unconcerned with the morality of my actions.

5. I have used deceit or lied to get my way.

6. I tend to be callous or insensitive.

7. I have used flattery to get my way.

8. I tend to seek prestige or status.

9. I tend to be cynical.

10. I tend to exploit others toward my own end.

11. I tend to expect special favors from others.

12. I want others to pay attention to me.

The total score can range from 12 to 84, but you can also break down the scales into the three traits as follows: Machiavellianism= 1, 5, 7, 10; Psychopathy= 2, 4, 6, 9; Narcissism= 3, 8, 11, 12.

Anyone scoring upwards of 45 would be considered very high on the Dark Triad scale. It's not a diagnosis; it's a simple way to identify a high conflict individual.

Read more about Dark Triad here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201301/shedding-light-psychology-s-dark-triad